When you keep blaming yourself for every person that does not like you back,
for every single person that refuses to give you the time of day,
for every person that doesn’t care like you do.
When you keep telling yourself that your worth is based off of the approval of the boy you’ve been crushing on,
or the girl that has been on your mind the past four months,
when you look at yourself in the mirror and you aren’t attracted to yourself,
when you need to find someone else to be attracted to you,
when everyone’s existence becomes something you need to lean on so you don’t fall,
when you realize that people aren’t walls,
they are like tables or chairs,
if you continue to lean on them, they will move,
they will fall over,
and you will go down with them.
When you start to see that you are the only person that is able to see your own beauty,
whether it’s within you or whether it’s plastered across your face,
as that smile that you can’t hold back.
You are your own wall,
you must learn how to lean on yourself.
You are strong, you are self-reliant, you are independent,
you will not let his lack of feelings for you bring you down,
it is not your fault.
You will not let her lack of commitment with you convince you that you aren’t worth it,
you are worth so much more than her rejection,
sometimes feelings don’t correspond,
sometimes love is unrequited,
and sometimes emotions or lack of them are impossible to tame.
I have found that love isn’t supposed to come easy,
it isn’t important to be constantly looking for it.
It’ll come eventually,
I haven’t found it yet,
but I am building myself.
I am my own wall,
I lean on myself,
I have others to lean on,
but I will not put my entire body weight on them,
for I know they will fall,
and I will fall with them.
I’m not going to be the girl you marry.
I’ll be the memory you have when you propose to her. As you slide that ring on her finger you’ll think about that time we got dressed in our swankiest threads and had a horrible time at that party so we came back home and sat in an empty bath tub drinking whiskey outta the bottle talking about our childhood dreams.
I’m not going to be the girl you marry. I’ll be that memory whenever you and her get in an argument. you’ll recall our first fight and the endless glares and icy tones. Repetition of words like RESPECT and WHY rung through the stillness of the air. We almost ended that night. Thankfully you stopped me from walking out of that door.
I’m not going to be the girl you marry. I’ll be that memory when you have your first child. When you and your wife are picking out names you’ll remember our talk about our future. Our apartment layout and first pet. A dog named Pascal because I’m allergic to cats.
I’m not going to be the girl you marry. I’ll be the girl you fall for when you are too young to understand what falling really is. You’ll fuck up and lose me. You won’t realize it until a while later. But when you do, you’ll think about me everyday. Forever."